I wasn’t looking for a man, I just bumped into him and BAM, this feeling I never felt before just crashed right into me; I was home.
A long time ago I got this idea in my head of what I wanted the father of my children to be: A strong man, a protector; someone who is firm and stern yet playful and funny. Someone who will show my daughters how they should be treated by a man and teach my sons how they should treat a woman. A hard worker that never stops doing everything he can to provide for his family but is also present at home and plays with his children. Someone who is loyal and faithful to not only me but to our family; someone who comes home from work and radiates love and excitement to be home with his family. I wanted the father of my children to be a man that reminds me everyday through his actions that I made the right choice. I always wanted to raise my kids in a two parent household where those two parents actually love and enjoy one another. Having grown up in a broken home with an abusive father that not only treated my mother badly but also treated me badly, this was very important to me.
You could say my expectations are high and one might wonder how on earth you could find someone with all these qualities but Marcus exceeds every expectation I ever had plus so much more. He is the epitome of what a husband and father should be. Because of her father and the standard he has set Adele will always know the way she should be treated by a spouse. Adele will always know what it is like to truly be loved. Adele will always know that she is worthy of love and respect and that she deserves to be treated with such at all times. Adele will always know that she IS good enough. While I love my daughter dearly she has her father to thank for this simply because he is as the cliche saying says: “the first man she ever loved.” He is the first man to ever set an example for her and he created the standard.
You might be asking yourself who I am to say what the epitome of a good father and husband is. Now, the truth is, the definition is different for everyone. What I’m really here to tell you is, if you haven’t met that significant other that makes you want to pinch yourself to see if you’re dreaming yet, don’t worry, you will. I tell you this with great confidence because, remember that biological father I mentioned above? Yeah, he sucked and guess what? I married a man exactly like him. On my journey to know better so I could do better I learned that fathers truly set the foundation for girls and women; the way your father treats you really does teach you that, that is what you deserve. I learned this the hard way after spending two years in a controlling, abusive, loveless marriage to a man that almost took my life. Don’t get it confused though, I don’t regret that awful marriage with one ounce of my being. The truth is, I’m SO unbelievably thankful for it because that toxic relationship gave me the push I needed to break the cycle.
Leaving that marriage and spending some time alone is how I came up with this laundry list of expectations that I listed above. Don’t get is twisted though, this wasn’t some long check list I would look at and start checking things off every time I met a new guy. My husband, Marcus is what created the check list. I met him in a college class, I wasn’t looking for a man, I just bumped into him and BAM, this feeling I never felt before just crashed right into me; I was home.
If you are struggling with domestic abuse right now you might have a partner that tells you daily that you’ll never be anything without them or maybe they’re telling you that no other man or women will ever love you; they might even be telling you that you are “damaged goods.” I understand that this can be debilitating, you probably believe your partner when they tell you these things and it is probably taking you down a dark path of depression. The first thing you need to know is, it is NOT true. Second, you must always remember that NO ONE has the power to decide if you are worthy of being treated with love or respect besides YOU. When I left my ex I made a promise to myself that no one, not a significant other, not a spouse, not a parent, NO ONE will EVER treat me like that again. The key was to prove to myself that I didn’t need a man to be happy, that important fact led me on my journey to learning how to love myself first. Loving and respecting yourself is so important because if you don’t love and respect you no one will and if you don’t love and respect you then you will always believe that the physical and mental/emotional abuse you are receiving is what you deserve. You don’t deserve to be abused, no one does, remember that.
I first shared all the great things that my husband is. Please understand, that wasn’t to brag but to show you that if I could find someone so great after such a bad relationship you can, too. I wanted to show those that are lost in a bad abusive relationship that I was too but I got out and I found a good man after that and you can, too. I wanted to give someone just like me hope for the future. Getting out of that bad relationship isn’t the end of your life, it is only the beginning.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an abusive relationship and need help you can call the domestic abuse hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit their website. If you or them need some guidance or some motivation to get away or if you just need/want to talk to someone who has been there, please, talk to me. I want to help you. Even if I don’t know you personally, let me be your friend. You deserve the world.
With Love, BM