It was June 2012, I was 18 years old, a brand new Private in the United States Army and I just reported to my first duty station – Fort Campbell, Kentucky. I was nervous and excited to be starting that new journey in my life. I was fresh out of training so when I reported to my duty station I didn’t have a car yet therefore I needed to either make friends or I would be walking everywhere. The only problem was, most my peers were also fresh out of training so they didn’t have cars either.

I met a Soldier that worked for the replacement company (which is the company you technically “belong” to while you in-processes at that particular base). He was friendly and helpful to not only me but to a lot of other male and female Soldiers so his kindness toward me wasn’t something I thought twice about, he didn’t strike me as creepy. My impression of him was that he just wanted to help out other new Soldiers because he knew what it was like to be a brand new private reporting to your first duty station. 

This Soldier seemed like an all around good person, but boy was my judge of character off at 18 years old. Needless to say he tried to sexually assault me in my sleep and of course it woke me up and I was able to hit him and luckily he didn’t put up much of a fight and I was able to get away. Even though I was able to escape this situation unharmed it was still a difficult time for me. When I woke up realizing what was happening I had to make a choice, either pretend I’m still sleeping because I don’t know what he could do to me if he knows I’m awake OR take my chances, wake up and fight for myself. This proved to be a very hard decision especially when I didn’t know the person I was dealing with. 

I was so scared to report because I didn’t want this to be a situation where the victim was blamed because I was drinking underage because it is all too common not just in the Army but even in the civilian world, to victim blame in situations like this. Even if the soldier that assaulted me did get in trouble I probably would have, too, considering I was drinking underage. I was terrified of getting an article 15 especially when I was brand new to a unit. I never wanted to be labeled and known as the “problem soldier.”

Let me say though that this happened right after I reported to my duty station so I didn’t even know my chain of command yet. It also just so happened that the department of the MEDDAC I was going to was getting all new soldiers including new NCOs that were all in-processing at the same time as I was unbeknownst to me. I also was newly married but staying in the barracks because my now ex-husband had not moved there yet and knowing what I knew about him I just knew that if I told him what happened he would find a way to make it my fault. I was scared, terrified that I wouldn’t be believed by anyone, even those closest to me.

I came to be convinced through my time at Fort Campbell that I was lead by some of the finest NCOs the Army ever produced. So, had my sexual assault happened at a time when I knew my leadership better there is a better chance I would have reported it.

My point of sharing this story isn’t for sympathy by any means but actually quite the opposite. I want you to learn from this life experience of mine. I don’t want you to be like me and by that I mean, don’t ever give anyone the power to shut you up. Don’t EVER let ANYONE make you feel like you aren’t worthy of justice and respect. The stigma around sexual assault victims has got to go, in civilian world and in the service. I urge anyone in a leadership position to remember what is important in a situation like this when your subordinates come to you for help. This is NOT their fault, it doesn’t matter what they were wearing or if they were drinking. NOTHING gives anyone the right to take it upon themselves to force a sexual act on anyone else.

I urge ANYONE that has gone through something like this to use your voice and speak up! – It isn’t just about you, you could be saving the life of so many others because the sad reality is that you probably weren’t the first victim of your predator and you probably won’t be the last.

It’s also important to note that since I never spoke up about this and never worked through it, it STILL affects me daily, even all these years later. The first step to becoming a survivor instead of being a victim is using your voice, getting help, and working through your trauma. Please always remember, you ARE worthy.

With Love, BM